subject: field trip!
It’s been a while since things digressed via email like they did in subject: OOO – almost a year in fact, but this is just too good not to share. This is an email conversation that’s been going on in the office today. It’s Friday, the Friday before a 3-day weekend, so of course we’re all a little less than serious. Names have been changed to protect the “innocent”…
p1 (5.14.09): In an effort to stay ahead of the competition we have decided to take a field trip on Thursday the 21st . We will be researching what the future holds when it comes to gadgets, heavy machinery, guns, robots and air craft. We will be going to watch the premiere of Terminator: Salvation at the Alamo Drafthouse Lake Creek. we will pay for everything, just bring your notebooks.
We will have reserved prime seating for everyone that can go on that day. I know a few of you are out, but this day was the only day that works for most of us. We will be going to the 3:15pm show. We decided against riding together in a bus, since afterwards people can go home and the Alamo Lake creek is further north. Individuals can obviously ride together, we need to leave here no later than 2:15 sharp. Please adjust your schedules to be able to make this event. We will also try to have J. join us.
Let me know if you can come in order for me to finalize total seats reserved.
P. & J.
p2: woo hoo edumacational field trip!
i’m totally in!
after the field trip is when the real hilarity ensued…
v (5.22.09): Okay, so a few of you noticed that I actually took a notebook to yesterday’s Terminator field trip. So here are a few nuggets o’ knowledge that I noted from the dystopian destiny that awaits us all… (from a usability perspective, of course)
SPOILER ALERT – DO NOT READ PAST THIS POINT IF YOU HAVE ANY INTEREST IN SEEING THE FILM
- In the future, a heart can be stopped with a single, well-placed punch from a cybernetic fist. It can also be restarted with several erratic punches from a fleshy man-fist. Electrical stimulation is optional. The heart is pretty much a toggle at this point.
- Skynet will execute a 15-year plan to lure its two most feared opponents into a trap, but will fail to schedule enough Terminators to actually finish them off. On a factory floor where hundreds of the metallic minions are being assembled – the densest population at its disposal – only one weaponless, naked Terminator and one skeleton Terminator will be summoned into action. Skynet really, REALLY needs better ERP software to manage its available resources.
- After decades of hype, nuclear weapons become sorta passé, just like the Y2K Bug or Avian Flu scare. A thermonuclear device can detonate in a hole a few hundred yards away, or several can go kablooey in the bowels of a military industrial complex, and they’ll inflict no more damage to you (or your optional aircraft) than the noisy neighbors on July 4th. This is why users click through our piddly warning dialogs without even a cursory glance.
- Cute kids (and puppies) don’t die if you care about ticket sales. Sometimes the pleasing aesthetic IS more important than a useful or logical outcome.
j1: I twittered the only note I took… “well, a lot of stuff exploded.”
j2: Nice job V. I just wonder where they get fresh milk and medical supplies…
d: Also, (and I read this elsewhere) even though at skynet everything is inhuman (MOTOTERMINATOR!!!!), they still had a nice clean control room with fancy video screens. And a single chair. Cuz robots get tired standing on their feet all day—just like you and me!
j3: On a non-sarcastic note, it was pretty cool how the smaller robots are deployable from the larger. Especially the motocycle terminators coming off of the Big guys legs.
m: I like the insights V. noted. I, for one, look forward to the day when users have enough processing power and RAM, that we can do away with menus, tabs and buttons: we’ll simply present a nearly infinite web of information nodes, randomly assembled, which they can navigate by thought alone.
(To address D’s point, I’m really disappointed that the writers completely failed on the opportunity to do something interesting with the franchise: they could have used the command center scene to show us that Skynet is in truth a very primitive AI, and that a human being is the entity actually responsible for Judgment Day and the resulting war…..)
d: Ahhhhhhhh! I see where you’re going, M…
It should have been a revival of The Wiz.
Stick with me here…
Marcus Wright is re-written to be a sort of futuristic killing machine Terminator-Dorothy character. Of course Diana Ross’ classic Dorothy would be played by Beyonce or Ciara or some other hot diva with a vowel at the end of their made-up name. And since we know that Christian Bale can sing (c.f. Newsies) John Conner could be the lion? Or maybe Toto? And they pick up Scarecrow and Tin-Man at the 7-11. Then the Flying-Terminator-Monkeys come and blow some shit up.
And then there’s some singing.
Later they’ll ease on down, ease on down the ro-oad to Skynet and Dorothy destroys the monitors of the control room (with the improbable chair). That’s when we discover a CG bulked-up naked Richard Pryor on the other side of the glass. They then have a bad-ass fight.
After the fight Dorothy gives her gigantic heart to John Conner. Huh? – I guess he was the Lion after all. Then Dorothy dies (spoiler alert!)
I don’t know what happens after that but I’m no writer. Feel free to fill in the gaps, M. I need more coffee.
m: Best. Email (And Movie Pitch). EVER.
j4 (we have a lot of people with names that start with j): I agree with all the observations noted. The lack of character development, action scenes that defy the laws of physics, and the shallow attempt to infuse humanity into the script with a token kid (I really hate that).
But come on it’s Terminator. Do we really have the right to expect anything more than an action packed movie that is all entertainment and no substance. It’s just fun.
However, I would like to know where those guys got milk. Where are they hiding those cows?
What are they feeding the cows? You don’t see a lot of hay growing in the desert? Do terminators kill cows? Historically it’s a successful strategy, destroy your enemy’s food source and you destroy them. Wow, that alone punches a hole in the story ;-)
d: Come on J!!! It’s 2018! Everyone knows they’ve been injecting nano-cows directly into the bloodstream birth since 2014!
j1: but, but, but, what about the lactose-intolerants?!?!
m: guess you didn’t catch the goats they had penned up next to the gas station… I think I also saw a selection of soft cheeses in the basement next to the carrots.
j4: What do nano-cows do to you. Does that mean that big burly dude made himself a pint of milk all by himself. Gross.
Oh, I got it. Maybe they’re using powdered milk left over from judgment day. Yeah, that has to be it.
v: That would be The Ter-moo-nator
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